lamentations

I'll do the daily food rundown in another post, but I wanted to share one specific "meal" I had today. 

I didn't take my own picture of it.  Had I stopped long enough to do that, this story might have had a different outcome.  There's been a wrapped Whitman's Sampler in our house for a few weeks.  I had dodged it until tonight.  I've thought about opening and eating it no less than 25 times.  Tonight, Supergreat Husband was working and the kids were playing upstairs and I succumbed.  I opened it up and went to town.  I ate a serving size (four)... then I ate some more... and more... then I shared with the kids.  Now all that's left is a half of a maple cream and an empty box.  Shame. 

For years I've read about emotional eating and I keep looking for what is damaged in me that makes me eat like a maniac.  I'm pretty self aware and I really can't identify anything.  I'm just like an addict around sweets.  I just lose all self control.  Today was a normal good day.  No sadness or trauma or feelings I was avoiding.  Just opportunity. 

I've eaten a lot of crap in my day-- certainly meals worse than 1350 calories worth of chocolate.  I usually don't give it a second thought after the fact.  But I can't shake the regret I have over this choice.  So tonight I'm laying it out there.  I'm confessing that I ate more chocolate than a person should eat in months.  The chance for this to happen again will inevitably come around.  So I want to write a note to future Jeanenne.


Throw it away.  Get up, walk to the garbage outside, toss it in.  You work too hard to waste it on a few minutes of chocolate buzz.  It feels awful afterward.  My stomach hurts.  My heart hurts just thinking about what I'm asking my body to do to get rid of it.  An entire days worth of healthy choices and exercise was thrown out the window.  You know better.  You can do better.  Don't give in-- just get rid of it.

So I'm going to take a deep breath.  I'm oddly proud that at least this binge bothered me.  That's a step in the right direction.  I'm going to own it and move on.  Logistically, I had a zero calorie deficit today (my goal is 1000 calorie deficit a day to lose 2 lb/week).  I have three more days in this weigh in week, so I'm going to need to burn 330 calories more each day to make this up.  Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, right?